


Beorn's Honey

by silverneko9lives0



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Anal Sex, Bondage, Bottom!Thorin, Comedy, Don't do drugs..., Drugs, Fingerfucking, Honey, M/M, Plotting Fili and Kili, Top!Bilbo, dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 23:24:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverneko9lives0/pseuds/silverneko9lives0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beorn’s honey has psychedelic effects. And Fili and Kili are plotters. Bagginshield comedy, repressed sexual tension and attraction leading to: bottom Thorin. Kinky…some bondage…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beorn's Honey

_Damn sexy dwarves and their sexy voices and their sexy…_

  
I sighed audibly, chewing my bottom lip anxiously while staring none too discreetly at Thorin. The dwarf was deep in conversation with Gandalf. Catching sight of me staring, Thorin smirks.

  
_Fucking, damnably sexy dwarf indeed._

  
A couple nights together and the king without a kingdom acts like a conqueror. Most would think I’d be a blushing maiden about it. Thorin seemed to think so, judging from the smirk.

  
Instead, I roll my eyes and leave the room.

  
“Bilbo, where are you going?” Fili asked.

  
“To have a smoke,” I replied. I sat down, dangling my feet over the porch and preparing my pipe with weed. I lit it and began to puff, thinking.

  
It wasn’t that I don’t enjoy it. I do. Quite a bit, actually. At first. Okay, I still like it, but it’s getting a little annoying always being on the receiving end.

  
“Mind if we join you?” Kili asked, his brother stretching and yawning beside him.

  
“You may,” I say. They did. A few minute pass in silence. A rabbit hopped by, reminding me of Beorn’s words to me when we met.

  
Bunny indeed!

  
“We couldn’t help noticing,” Fili began, smirking.

  
“That you and our dear uncle are recently involved,” Kili finished, smirking as widely. A cat saddled up beside him and rubbed his body against Kili’s arm.

  
I blew a smoke ring. “You’re quite astute. I wouldn’t call it involved, though.”

  
“Hmm? That’s too bad,” Kili mumbled. “I’d like having you for an uncle.”

  
I smacked his arm. “Thorin doesn’t think of me that way. Nor I him.”

  
The smirks vanished. “He does think of you that way, Bilbo,” Fili said. “We Dwarrows don’t take bed partners without the intention of having an emotional connection along with a physical one.”

  
“Besides, he’s been courting you the whole fucking time since a little while before the trolls,” Kili added.

  
I blink, unsure which brother to look at more.

  
“He has?” I ask, thinking of all the snarling, the nasty comments—

  
“Well, our uncle is a little shy at this sort of thing,” Fili said. “But surely you noticed.”

  
“Noticed?”

  
“You haven’t—he’s been teaching you to fight since Rivendell!” Fili snapped.

  
“And he keeps ruffling your hair—a sure sign of wanting to braid it. Your hair’s a bit short for that though…” Kili added.

  
“And the extra food he keeps sneaking to you.”

  
“And all the times he took your side on things—”

  
I stand, “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

  
“Bilbo, he’s taken you to bed because he thinks you’ve reciprocated his feelings,” Fili hissed, pulling me back down. “When you jumped between him and the orcs: that was a nonverbal acceptance of his advances. This is bad. Very bad…”

  
“But it’s too late, they’ve already…”

  
“I know. I know.”

  
“Well, then, wouldn’t talking to him rectify the problem?” I ask. I don’t find it a desirable solution, but it’s the honest one, at least.

  
“No,” they said.

  
Kili scratched the back of his head. “That’d probably…uh…”

  
“He’d be furious on top of humiliated. I mean, you see how he acts most of the time. You think that’s mad? You haven’t seen mad yet.”

  
“Well, then,” I say. I don’t want to see what mad really looks like. The idea is too frightful to imagine, to be honest. “I guess I’ll have to gather whatever courage I had then and talk to him. Privately. Confound it! If he had just said he liked me rather than beat around the bloody bush, then this predicament wouldn’t have happened.”

  
“So…”

  
“Yes, it’s a little hard for me not to like your uncle.” _Very hard with that sexy voice and that beautiful face and that arrogant swagger, and those Eru-forsaken legs…_

  
“Well, that’s good,” Fili said, sounding relieved. “But if you like him, then why talk to him about it and just accept it as it is now? He need not know you didn’t realize he was courting you.”

  
“True…but then I’d feel like I’m lying to him and I’d rather not do that. Besides, there’s a certain thing about the bed arrangement that needs to be rectified.”

  
“Bed arrangement?” Kili asked, tilting his head to the side. The cat did the same, meowing. Fili laid down on his back, yawning. Another cat jumped onto his chest and curled up there to nap.

  
“I’m not going into details,” I snap, walking away from the brothers. As if I want those two getting involved in my sex life.  
I find a place to finish my smoke in peace, thinking on what they told me.

  
I honestly didn’t realize Thorin was courting me. How would I have? There were no flowers presented, or a declaration of love given, or—

  
I sigh.

  
The thing is I haven’t exactly been open about my own courtship of Thorin either.

  
I’ve never been able to present flowers to anyone in person. I’ve only ever put them where they could be found and added a note.

  
But without paper—which I didn’t want to take from Ori though I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded giving it to me if I had asked—there was no way for me to actually tell Thorin I liked him.

  
Still, there is a problem that needs to be take care of before more miscommunication happens. I scratch the back of my head.  
“Exasperating dwarves,” I mutter. And Thorin is the most exasperating of the whole lot!

  
Another rabbit hops by, looks at me, stands on his feet and bows. I bow back. It’s only polite. He hops away.

  
Still, that Thorin had been courting me for a while…approaching him about this is going to be troubling at least. Hopefully he’ll listen to the whole explanation before rampaging.

  
Hopefully.

  
I finish my pipe and I dump the ash out of the bell. There is not enough pipe-weed to aid me in my next task. The sooner I get this over with the better.

  
I find Thorin speaking with our host and I approach them. Beorn leaves as I approach. “Thorin, can I have a word? In private?”

  
Thorin frowns, but follows me to his room. “What is it you wish to speak to me about, Hobbit?”

  
“Ah…well…for one, for you to not call me ‘Hobbit’ if you’re intentions are not merely to bed me. Or ‘Halfling,’” I begin. “And, well, I think there may have been a misunderstanding between us. But before I go on, it ended up being a happy mistake all together. You see, I didn’t realize you were courting me.” Thorin’s face falls. “Butiwasalsocourtingyousoitsallgoodyousee?” I doubt he understood me. I didn’t even understand what came out of my mouth. It’d be a miracle if he did.

  
I swallow, wondering if I should duck for cover.

  
Thorin doesn’t seem it, but his eyes hold all the fury. He’s barely containing it. I swallow.

  
“Erm…Thorin?”

  
“That last bit. Repeat it. Slower.”

  
I sniff. “I said I was courting you too. The flowers…”

  
The anger dissipates. Good. That’s something at least. A smile graces his lips. “Really?”

  
“Yes. All in all, we need to figure out a way to communicate better.”

  
“I agree. It could have gone much worse.”

  
“I was afraid it would for a moment,” I admit, scratching the back of my head. “You’re nephews are really good at making you sound more frightening than you really are.”

  
“They do not exaggerate, Bilbo.”

  
I chuckle nervously. “Oh. Uh…there’s one last thing.”

  
“Yes.”

  
“I’m topping tonight.”

  
Thorin blinks. He smirks, crossing his arms. “Your welcome to try, but I highly doubt you’ll manage to get me on my back long enough.”

  
Now it’s my turn to smirk. “We shall see.” His smirk is gone. He’s staring at me, eyes wide and dark. I frown and tilt my head to the side. “Thorin?”

  
Thorin tackles me to the floor.

  
“Thorin, what in the name of Eru—mmf!” The kiss is bruising. I pull on his hair, yanking him off. He’s startled enough that I can get him on his back. I attack the laces of his trousers. “I said I was topping, you galumphing dwarf!”

  
Thorin growls defiantly, tugging off my own clothes.

  
I don’t know who was undressed fastest. Probably me, but that’s beside the point.

  
Really.

  
The point is that I’m done being on the receiving end and the battle for the top position is in full swing.

  
I bite his ear. He yanks my hair. I tug on his braids. He smacks my head with his. I scratch. He bites back. I know it sounds violent, but there’s a good deal of rutting from the both of us, if you ask me.

  
I’m flipped onto my stomach. I find a slip of rope lying in plain sight and close enough for me to grab. How it got there, I don’t know nor care. It’s what I need. I grab it and wrap it around Thorin’s wrists, tying a good knot before sliding out of his embrace and pinning him down.

  
“Now,” I pant, feeling rather victorious. “Was that so hard?”

  
Thorin groans, defeated.

  
The bottle of oil we’ve been using is on the nightstand. I bring it closer to Thorin, who hasn’t dared move from where I left him.

  
“Have you ever been taken before, Thorin?” I ask, coating my digits in the oil.

  
“No.” He answers as I position myself between his legs.

  
I spread his cheeks apart, rubbing my pinky against his entrance. “I’ll make it worth your while then, my king.” Thorin’s breath hitches as I push it in. “Valar above! You’re tight!”

  
“Fuck off.”

  
“No, I think I’d rather fuck _you_.”

  
I twist the pinky carefully in him, sliding it in and out with each twist. I pull out and slide in my index finger, just this one. It’s a little thicker than a pinky, so I don’t want to shock him with two yet. He hisses in and I pause. When he pushes back, I resume the twisting and pulling and pushing. Thorin is shaking. I never thought he’d be so sensitive like this.

  
But if he’s never been taken from behind…

  
I can’t help smirking. There’s a certain level of pride that has to go with this new experience for him. At least on my part.  
I slide in the second finger.

  
“ _Fuckfuckfuckfuck_ —”

  
“The mouth on you,” I say clucking my tongue. “I might have to find a gag.”

  
“Bilbo, please…”

  
I stretch him out carefully. I don’t want to hurt him. I recall the previous nights. “I think I will get a gag,” I say. “You’ve got some mouth, Thorin Oakenshield. Some of the things you said…if it was possible to come from just your voice, I think I’d have done it. Sadly, what put them off was how inaccurate they were. Whatever you may think, I’m no cockslut even if yours is impressively delectable.”

  
I stab into him particularly hard once, ramming into his prostate.

  
“Mahal!” he screams. I jab into him with such a pace, he’s unable to do anything but curse, gasp, and scream, shaking the whole time.

  
“Yeah, I think a gag will be necessary,” I pull out of him and look for something to muffle him with.

  
“NO! Nonono—”

  
“You’ll be quiet?” I ask, finding some linen, which I rip.

  
“Yes. Yes, I’ll be quiet.”

  
“Hm…just to be sure, I’ll gag you anyway, _my king_.”

  
“Bilbo, please don’t—mf!” I tie the gag tight around his mouth and kiss his shoulder, drawing my tongue over his skin. He’s shaking. I make my way back behind him. I ram my fingers back into him. The linen works well as a gag.

  
Thorin is coming undone in my grasp. I slow the pace down to stretch him a little more, coating my cock in oil. He moans, shuddering at my touch. I pull my fingers out and spread his cheeks again, lining my cock with the entrance.

  
One thrust brings me inside.

  
_Nienna, Aule, Ulmo, and Varda! He’s still so tight!_

  
I shudder, leaning over him, my hands digging into his hips and my forehead pressed to the middle of his back. Thorin is shaking as badly as I am. I regain some sense and straighten. “Ready?” I ask. Thorin nods. The shuddering lessens a little as he relaxes.

  
I start slow, simple rolls of my hips against his ass, drawing out muffled moans. Other than his hips and ass, Thorin’s become quite lax and lies on the floor. I build up to quicker, harsher snaps of the hips. Each thrust brings something out of him. A gasp, a moan, a whine—he’s still very vocal and would probably be more so if I had not gagged him.

  
I reach around and pump his dick, which I can barely close my whole hand around, but I can still manage some sort of grip on him. The other hand plays with his testicles for further stimulation.

  
A scream escapes him when he finishes.

  
I release him and straighten, ramming into him for a few minutes more before I release. I see stars. I rest my forehead against his back again, breathing heavily.

  
And I thought the orgasm I had when we first slept together was good.

  
I kiss his back before pulling out and rolling over, too tired to undo the bonds, though he pulls the gag off…

  
#

  
“Ew…they didn’t even make it to the bed.”

  
“Whatever, just leave it here and let’s go.”

  
I open my eyes.

  
_What in the name of the Valar happened?_

  
Fili and Kili look at me. I look at them. Then I look down. I’m sweaty, messy, and _naked_.

  
Blushing, I cover my…ahem. You know.

  
“What is going on?” I squeak.

  
Fili and Kili set down the jar of honey and back away, smiles on their faces.

  
“Feeling good?” Kili asks.

  
“Good?! Good?!” I shriek.

  
“What the—ah! Fuck! Aule’s beard, I’m sore…” Thorin groans, rolling onto his back.

  
The boys scream, covering their eyes and running out of the room.

  
Thorin manages to sit up, staring at the rope binding his hands together. There’s a strip of linen around his neck.

  
He and I stare at each other.

  
“Did we…?”

  
“They are your nephews,” I squeak, trying to sound mad rather than horrified, and failing miserably.

  
Memories start flooding back. I look at the jar of honey on the table and my mouth drops.

  
Thorin sees it too. “Didn’t Gandalf say not to eat the honey?”

  
“Yes.” I’m too embarrassed not to be squeaky.

  
“That’s the honey.”

  
“Mm-hm,” my voice is returning to normal. “They’re…uh…they cause…hallucinatory effects and affect the mind.”

  
“So…”

  
“I think I just…um…I think we just…recently…had…relations.”

  
Thorin stares at his bonds.

  
Then at me.

  
“Hobbit, I will overlook the fact that you took me this once. But if it happens again…”

  
“We’ll murder your nephews?” I suggest. That sounds like a good idea to me right now.

  
Thorin smirks. “No. I’ll fuck you to next Durin’s Day.”

  
I blink, thinking this over. It’s not something I’m unfamiliar with anymore…and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it at the time. And it’s a better option than premeditated murder.

  
I shrug. “Fair enough.”

  
I tackle him back down, fixing the gag back over his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up being funnier than I intended it to be. Still. The attraction is there. Bilbo and Thorin just need a push. Fili and Kili agree. The honey was just a drug-inducing medium for that push to happen. One last thought: don’t do drugs. They rot your brain. And a rotted brain is not a happy brain.


End file.
